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Ask A Comedian: Valentine’s Day Edition

In a shock to no one, I am single on Valentine’s Day, again.

This is partly because I’ve been single for so long that I’m having trouble breaking the habit, and partly because I ended every “relationship” I had this year before it really got a chance to get started.

In my defense, one of the men I dated this year DID spit his gum into the grass while we were in the park… and I saw a bird eat it. In their defense, I have commitment and trust issues from my past relationships that are preventing me from letting myself truly open up to any romantic prospect. Do you guys think that bird is dead? I think it’s dead.

Last year I gave you all advice on treating yourself for V-Day, but this year I felt I was in need of some inspiration myself. I decided to reach out to some friends for their best suggestions for how I should celebrate Valentine’s Day alone. Coincidentally they are all comedians, which brings me to my new series (I have not gotten permission for this to be a series) “Ask a Comedian.”

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Here’s what they said:

Watch some NSFW videos

“My suggestion? WATCH PORN….but not the kind you’re thinking. Valentine’s Day is an incredibly sexy time, which is why I like to curl up and watch the hottest scenes the internet has to offer. What gets me wild? Scenes where the man goes down… all the way to his knees… and apologizes. Any scene where the words ‘I’m sorry’ slip out of a man’s lips is guaranteed to have me sliding out of my chair—the more tears, the wetter we all get. I highly recommend When Harry Met Sally, or really pretty much anything James Van Der Beek has ever been in. Happy scrolling, gal!” —Natasha Vaynblat

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Chill like a senior citizen

“The main reason I go out is to experience the joy of coming back home. My vote for you is to skip the middleman: get your favorite food, buy some good wine (by good I mean $8, not $4—huge difference, apparently wine isn’t SUPPOSED to taste like wood vodka??), put on comfy clothes and have a SOLO SOIREE. In my dream night, I have a book of Tuesday crosswords, every flavor of Popchips, and free rein to watch as many episodes of Curb as humanly possible. Swap something more fun in for crosswords if you want (I have never once been young), and you’ll be livin’ your own dream night.” —Alyssa Limperis

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Soak it up

“This is basically my answer for everything, but my recommendation is to take a bath. Fill it with bubbles, pour yourself a glass of wine, grab a book (or your vibrator) and just soak. If you don’t have access to a bathtub, get a hotel room with one and spend the whole night eating room service and watching rom coms in there. Wait…now I really want to do that.” —Alise Morales

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Really enjoy your own company

“Valentine’s Day is a social construct. Go masturbate.

This is not a picture of me masturbating but rather a photo for your spank bank.” —Ziwe Fumudoh

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Remember the good times

“Ariel, this Valentine’s Day I think you should play your vinyl of ‘Fine Line’ by Harry Styles, put on the virtual fireplace, sit back, relax and OH NO HOW did this selfie of the night we met Harry get here?!?!?!?!

Readers, Ariel is obsessed with Harry Styles (Like we all are? And rightfully so, he is perfect). Have her tell you about the night we met him sometime. She made the story into a PowerPoint presentation and that is one hundred percent factual.” —Amanda Giobbi

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After reading this sage advice, my Valentine’s Day plans are really looking up. Anyone have a hotel bathtub I can borrow?

Oh, and if you want to see my PowerPoint presentation on the night I met Harry Styles please Venmo me however much $$ you think it’s worth (hint: it’s priceless).

Happy V-Day, everyone. Xoxo

—Ariel Gitlin

Photos via the contributors.

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